


The Forgotten

by MagnusTesla



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Anxiety, BAMF Umino Iruka, Best Friend Genma, Community: kakairu, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Magic, Minor Violence, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Iruka/Genma, Platonic Relationships, Shapeshifting, Smut, Youkai, Youkai Iruka, light gore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2019-12-30 01:19:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18305246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagnusTesla/pseuds/MagnusTesla
Summary: Iruka has been keeping a secret. One that ends up forever changing Kakashi's life.Can Kakashi overcome this life changing event and reconcile with the person he loves?Or will he be too late?(Chapter 5 update coming soon - Jan 2020)





	1. Revelations

“Shit,” Kakashi cursed, clutching at his side, blood quickly soaking through his uniform and the burn of poison coursing through his veins. His legs trembled as he stumbled over an exposed tree root, blindly clutching at the trunk to steady himself.

It was no use; between the blood loss and poison, he wasn't going to make it back to the village. His ninken couldn't even be summoned, chakra levels too low. Kakashi slid down the trunk, coming to sit in leaf litter on the forest floor, his kunai in hand, ready for his pursuers.

His mission had been a simple S rank assassination and he'd completed it fairly quickly with zero issues. It had been on his way home that things had gone to shit when he'd encountered a group of six Jounin from Mist, suspiciously hanging around the border for Fire Country. He'd dispatched four of them with brutal efficiency but, a momentary lapse in concentration had allowed one of the last two ninja to slip past his guard, stabbing him in the stomach with a poisoned katana.

Knowing he was in no condition to fight, he'd created a shadow clone as a distraction so he could make a run for it. It seemed to have worked but, just as he was almost safe, the village so close, they'd caught up. Because of course they had. Nothing in his life ever seemed to go right.

Kakashi contemplated his situation and let out a bitter laugh. Of all the ways for him to die, it was a stone's throw away from home and all because he'd been careless. The thought infuriated him, anger rolling through his body. And just when he'd found a reason to start living, someone to go home to. Someone who truly accepted him and saw him as more than a weapon. For the first time he had been treated as a human being deserving of love and happiness.

 _Iruka._ He was going to be devastated. His heart clenched painfully at the thought. _I'm sorry, Ru. I won't be coming home this time._

A twig snapped just up ahead, two figures emerging and slowly making their way over. He couldn't see their expressions that well but, Kakashi knew they were smiling wide, rows of pointed teeth on show and sickeningly full of glee at having brought the famous copy nin down.  

“Just giving up?” one of the Mist ninja sneered, arm reaching over his shoulder to unsheath his katana.

“Who'd have thought the great Sharingan Kakashi would be so pathetic,” the other spat, disdain clear in his voice.

“Maa, sorry to disappoint,” Kakashi replied, almost breathless. His entire body felt like it was burning from the inside, a searing sensation so intense that all he could do was grit his teeth in a bid to stifle the cry trying to escape from his lips. He refused to give his enemy the satisfaction of hearing him crying out in pain.

The kunai in his hand felt strangely heavy as he braced himself for one last stand, gathering his lightning chakra and running it through his weapon. Not that it mattered, there was no escaping this; his death was certain.

A strange sensation washed over Kakashi, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Something felt off and the air charged, a warm sensation washing over him. It felt safe and… powerful, _old._ Almost like the forest itself.

Both Mist ninja readied their weapons and started advancing forward. Before they'd even made two steps, a deep, rumbling growl sounded and suddenly, a wolf crashed into the clearing right in front of Kakashi, tall despite being on four legs.

“What's this? You summoned a mangey, flea bitten-”

The Mist ninja didn't get to finish what he was saying before the wolf was upon him, forever silencing him as it tore out his throat. It turned its gaze towards the other ninja, deep brown eyes becoming an otherworldly gold and sharp teeth bared as blood dripped from its maw.

All Kakashi could do was watch the scene unfolding in front of him, the last ninja letting loose blood curdling screams as he was quite literally ripped limb from limb, his body unrecognisable. In the 21 years since he'd first become a ninja, Kakashi had never seen such a brutal killing, and that was saying something.

“Urgh,” Kakashi moaned, turning his head as he vomited up blood. The effects of the poison progressing, destroying his body from the inside. He wondered what would kill him first; the poison or blood loss.

The vomiting had drawn the attention of the wolf who slowly padded towards him. _Well, it looks like this is how I'm going to die._

He could barely comprehend what he was seeing. A large wolf with small antlers? No, that couldn't be right. Kakashi blinked a few times and looked again as the wolf drew ever closer.

It had brown fur on its face that seemed to morph into a living forest; twists of all sorts of leaves in the place of fur along its back. Its tail was covered in fur, foliage and vines all entangled together. The front legs were covered in brown fur, as though from a normal wolf. But, the back legs started covered in leaves, slowly fading down into fur and instead of paws, there were deer hooves.

 _Am I hallucinating?_ It was as if the wolf was part of the forest itself, like the guardians of old he'd been told about in stories as a child. His fingers twitched, lightning chakra sputtering out as his hand went limp, the kunai dropping to the forest floor.

Staring up into slitted golden eyes, Kakashi watched as they changed back to a deep brown, the colour somehow familiar. The wolf tilted its head, a strange sort of fondness in its gaze and he sucked in a breath as it came even closer, nostrils flaring in what appeared to be frustration. The air started to ripple, that warm, powerful and old sensation settling over him again. It was almost like those days when he'd snuggle up in bed with Iruka, blankets pulled over him, making him feel safe.

The rippling air almost seemed to glow around the wolf and then, it was changing, its body reconstructing itself right before his very eyes.

“I- I- Iruka?”

Kakashi coughed, blood painting his lips red. He knew that he hadn't much time left. His entire body burned, and with the wound in his stomach still sluggishly bleeding out, he was barely clinging on to consciousness. “Iruka… I, I need to tell you something,” he choked out.

Iruka just smiled at him, his warm, calloused hands cupping Kakashi's face as he leaned forward to press their lips together in a gentle kiss.

Tears started running down Kakashi's face. Seeing Iruka one last time was both a blessing and a curse, and for the first time in his life, he didn't want to die. He wanted to keep living, to return home to Iruka after a long day and just be held. To reopen the Hatake compound with Iruka and spend Autumn nights cuddled together on the engawa with his ninken curled around them. And more than anything, he wanted to tell Iruka that he loved him.

Thumbs brushed his tears away and he looked up to see Iruka still smiling, his love for Kakashi clearly written all over his face. Iruka closed his eyes and when he opened them, they were slitted and glowing gold again. The colour reminded Kakashi of the early mornings in bed with Iruka, and the morning sun reflecting off his hair.

The air shimmered as the intensity of glow in Iruka's eyes increased. Golden, spidery lines extended from his fingers, spreading onto Kakashi's face, down his neck and disappearing underneath his clothing.

All of a sudden a rush of energy was making its way under his skin, coursing through his blood, breathing life back into his dying body. His senses were overloaded with sounds and smells of the forest, almost as if he was part of it, connected to everything. In his mind visions started appearing; first he was seeing through the eyes of a deer, peering at its own reflection in a stream. Next he was looking down on the trees below, soaring through the sky before it switched again and he was running through the undergrowth, following another orange fox cub and its Mother.

Without warning, the sensation abruptly stopped. Taking a shuddering breath, Kakashi opened his eyes to see panic on Iruka's face. In the distance he could feel the familiar chakra of Gai and Tenzou fast approaching.

“I'm sorry Kakashi, this isn't how I wanted you to find out.”

And then, everything went black.

 


	2. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had all been a dream, a byproduct of the painkillers Kakashi was on. Or was it...?

Muffled sounds roused Kakashi from his sleep, the smell of antiseptic flooding his nose. He knew exactly where he was without having to open his eyes.

The hospital.

The room might as well have his name on the door for all the time he'd spent in it. Kakashi wondered how he was even alive. The poison had most definitely gone past the stage of being treatable.

Flashes of broken images appeared in his mind, a wolf with antlers being a very prominent feature. It must be the painkillers, he reasoned with himself.

“I see you're finally awake, brat,” Tsunade said, relief clear in her voice. She flitted around the side of his bed, checking his vitals, the sound of her pen scratching away on the clipboard. “How you survived your injury, I have no idea.”

Kakashi opened his eyes and immediately regretted it. The bright lights in his room did absolutely nothing for his headache. “Just lucky I guess. How long have I been out for?”

“Two days,” Tsunade replied as she continued to fuss and fret, checking his stomach wound over several times before she was satisfied. If Kakashi had to guess, he'd say that Tsunade was worried about him.

She babbled on, clicking her pen, explaining how somehow he’d been healed from the inside out, but that the entry wound was still healing naturally. Apparently every time she'd tried using her chakra to close it, he'd gone into a seizure like state. And so the best course of action was to let his body do its thing.

“But, what I don't understand is why your body is healing so rapidly. It doesn't make any sense.” Tsunade worried at her lip, repeatedly clicking her pen, hands trembling faintly that spoke of extreme tiredness and concern.

“Tsunade, I'm alive, aren't I?” He smiled a genuine smile at her, pushing himself up into a sitting position, the cover pooling at his waist. “When can I get out of here?”

Kakashi winced, his movement pulling at skin still healing. He looked back over to where Tsunade was stood, glaring back at him, her eyes narrowed and lips pulled in a thin line.

“You will not be going anywhere. You need more rest and sleep. You almost died, brat!” Tsunade hollered, hooking up a new IV bag, setting it up to start a dose immediately.

“Maa, it's just a scratch and -” he started, cut off by his own yawn, a strange warmth flooding his veins, threatening to pull him under. His body felt weird, like he was floating above the bed. Warm hands carefully manoeuvred him onto his back, laying him down, head cushioned by a soft pillow. _I'll just rest my eyes for a moment._ And then he was pulled under into a dreamless sleep.

 

****

 

Most active ninja would relish a few days rest, but not Kakashi. He'd woken the following day after being sedated and was already climbing the wall with boredom. The only reason he hadn't escaped was the look that Tsunade had given him before sleep had pulled him under, her expression promising pain if he didn't stay put.

At least he had his Icha Icha to help pass the time. Iruka must have dropped them in whilst he had been asleep. Despite what people assumed, Iruka wasn't a straight laced sensei and it had been him who'd gotten Kakashi hooked on the series. He smiled to himself, thumb brushing over the cover of his favourite book from the series, a gift from Iruka back from when they had been teens.

“Senpai, you're looking better.”

Kakashi almost startled, tensing at how he'd not even noticed someone else approaching. Turning his head - slowly, fast movements set off his nausea - towards the source of the voice, he found Tenzou smirking at him, perched outside the open window, casually peering in thanks to a well placed tree branch.

“If it isn't my cute little kohai,” Kakashi said, eyes crinkling, his smile hidden beneath the medical mask.

Tenzou must have taken that as an invite because he swung himself up and in through the window, striding over to Kakashi's bedside and pulling up a chair next to head of his bed.

“I see you found the books Iruka dropped off. He also packed some of your clothing and toiletries for you. They're under the here,” Tenzou said, reaching down to pull out a backpack from under the bed, placing it where Kakashi could easily reach himself. “He said there's enough for a few days of clean clothing but, I can always fetch more if needed.”

“Where's Iruka?” Kakashi asked, concern bleeding into his voice. This didn't make sense. Why wouldn't Iruka visit daily like he would usually, and why have Tenzou grab more clothing from home if he needed it? Unless -

“He's on a mission, left a few nights ago after he dropped off your stuff and checked in on you. He looked -” Tenzou paused, worry evident on his face. - “He looked troubled and… distressed.”

Something felt off, he could practically feel it in his bones and he felt like he was forgetting something. Something important. Gripping the bed covers, knuckles turning white and jaw tense, Kakashi closed his eye and counted to ten in his head, taking deep breaths as he reigned in his frustration before speaking again.

“Tenzou, is there something you're not telling me?”

“Senpai…” Tenzou sounded exasperated with the question. “I don't know anything aside that his mission partner is Genma. You know as I much as I do. Not to mention that mission details are confidential.”

Kakashi sighed, scrubbing a hand down his face. He knew that already, Tenzou being one of a few people that he trusted wholeheartedly. It didn't help settle his frustration at not knowing why Iruka hadn't been able to say goodbye face to face. There had to be a reason behind his hasty departure, a reason why he hadn't said goodbye himself.

“Spit it out, Tenz. I can tell you want to ask something.”

“Do you remember what happened? We scouted the area and the brush looked like something large had trampled through it… something bigger than a few ninja -”

Kakashi's head throbbed and for a split second he saw a vision of large wolf jumping in front of him. He screwed his eyes shut and sucked in a deep breath before opening them again.

\- “and one of the enemy ninja was… well, he was in pieces,” Tenzou continued, nervous as he shifted in his chair.

Screaming, a body being torn apart, flashes of sharp teeth, blood and a wolf with antlers filled Kakashi's mind, the scene playing out as though he'd witnessed it himself. Kakashi started to panic and he could faintly hear his kohai calling his name and the beep of the heart monitor getting quicker, matching pace with his heart thudding faster and faster. The vision shifted and suddenly brown slitted eyes were watching him, the air shimmering, changing the wolf to reveal… _Iruka._

“Kakashi… Kakashi, can you hear me?” Tenzou called out, his voice breaking through Kakashi's panic and interrupting his vision.

Pushing him back, Kakashi unhooked his medical mask with an urgency that clearly indicated what was about to happen as he leaned over the side of the bed and vomited, narrowly missing Tenzou's feet.

A warm hand touched his arm, and Kakashi looked up to see Tenzou's face etched with concern. “Here,” he said, putting a glass of water within reach. “I'll go let the nurse know about the floor.”

Kakashi watched him leave, and slowly released his death grip on the edge of the mattress. Nausea took hold again, his brain processing what he was seeing; his nails turned black, elongated and pointed. Claws. _What the fuck is happening to me?_ Panic started rising, stomach lurching as he emptied the rest of his stomach contents onto the floor until there was nothing left.

“Shit,” Kakashi spat, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, the claws still visible and oh so very real. He closed his eyes, trying to slow his racing heart in the hope that being calm would trigger some sort of reversal on his hands.

It didn't.

Footsteps sounded out in the hallway signaling Tenzou's return. Kakashi cursed his luck, pulled his medical mask back on and did the only thing he knew would work, the one thing he was really good at; hiding and pushing people away. Yanking the bed covers up, he turned to face away from the doors, tucking his hands and most of his face under the bedding just as Tenzou walked back into the room.

“Senpai, I've spoken to a nurse and… are you okay?” Tenzou asked, making sure Kakashi noticed the sick bowl he placed on the table next to the bed.

“Hm,” Kakashi grunted in reply, his eyes screwed shut, desperately hoping that Tenzou would just hurry up and leave. After all, who wants to hang around in a room that reeks of vomit? Kakashi knew that Tenzou wouldn't try to offer any comfort. After years working together in ANBU, Tenzou had long since learned that it was something Kakashi wasn't comfortable with. Iruka was the only person he wanted comfort from, the only person he was okay with seeing him sick. Besides Iruka, being vulnerable in front of other people was something that he hated, something he refused to let other people see.

“I'll, uhhh -” Tenzou fidgeted, a hand rubbing the back of his neck. - “I'll get going and let you rest. The nurse said someone will come soon to clean the floor and sort your IV's. If you need anything, let me know.”

Kakashi huffed a small laugh as he watched Tenzou leave through the window. Of course his kohai would've picked up some of his bad habits from the time spent working together on Team Ro during their ANBU days. Still, he supposed that at least his tardiness hadn't brushed off on him. If anything, it had made Tenzou a reall stickler for being on time, just like Iruka.

Just thinking about him left Kakashi confused and hurt. It felt like Iruka was running away, deliberately avoiding him. Was there something he wasn't telling Kakashi?

He clenched his fists at the thought and hissed in pain, sharp claws puncturing skin and drawing blood. _What are you hiding from me, Ru?_

 

****

 

Kakashi woke the next morning to find his room still dark and immediately regretted having not brushed his teeth before falling asleep, the taste in his mouth disgusting. At the thought he bolted upright; he didn't remember falling asleep nor someone coming into his room to draw the curtains closed. He looked over the side of the bed to find that someone had also cleaned the floor, too.

Why hadn't he woken when someone had come in? Usually he would wake the moment someone's presence was close, even if they hadn't made a sound. It was an in-built skill that had saved his life on many occasions, so for him to suddenly drop off to sleep and not wake when someone had come in was very disturbing.

At least his hands were back to normal, he mused, turning them over to look at the puncture wounds on his palms, only to find… nothing. Not a single mark, no evidence of there ever being an injury. The mind is a powerful thing, he knew, but Kakashi was absolutely positive that he hadn't imagined his hands changing.

Light knocking at his doors pulled Kakashi from his thoughts, Tsunade and Sakura appearing through the door, both looking tired.

“Good morning, Sensei,” Sakura chirped, making her way over to the window, opening the curtains.

The sun was only just starting to rise, indicating that it was still quite early. It was no wonder that both Tsunade and Sakura looked tired.

“How are you feeling?” Sakura asked politely, leaving Tsunade to check his blood pressure and heart rate.

“Maa, I'm fine, Sakura. Your old sensei would feel even better if I could rest in my own bed.”

“Well, it's a good job I'm discharging you, brat,” Tsunade said, a relaxed smile on her face as she went about unhooking him from the various machines. “I want to keep you here for the rest of the day just to make sure you can keep your food down. If all is well, you get a nice long weekend and then you're on medical leave for 2 weeks.”

Kakashi started to protest. He was an elite ninja and didn't need time off. “Lady Tsunade, that isn't necess-”

“Even you need a break, Kakashi,” she cut in, voice firm in her decision.

Relenting, Kakashi agreed, slumping back against his pillows. At least he was going to get to go home. Sure the medics took good care of him and tried to respect his privacy but, he never felt truly rested there, always on edge. Kakashi sighed, looking up at the clock. The evening couldn't come fast enough.

 

****

 

The day had passed surprisingly quickly despite Kakashi's desperation to be out of hospital and in the comfort of his own bed. As usual, the hospital food was disgusting but he swallowed it down much like he would a ration bar, the quicker the better. Before he knew it, it was early evening and Sakura was back again, this time with discharge papers.

“Is Iruka Sensei coming to collect you?”

“Not today, he's on a mission right now,” Kakashi replied, pulling on his normal face mask before turning around to take his paperwork.

“Okay, well if you happen to start feeling unwell, please come back, won't you?” Sakura asked.

“Sure, Sakura." His eyes crinkled, a false smile pulling at his lips as he hauled himself out of the hospital window and made his way home.

It was bitterly cold out, Autumn coming to an end but Kakashi barely noticed, his mind elsewhere as he drifted through dark, poorly lit streets. He didn't know how long he'd been walking for, but he came to stop outside Iruka's apartment.

Pulling the key from his thigh pouch, Kakashi almost went to unlock the door, body on autopilot before he noticed the lights were off. _Stupid, you know he's not home._ Of course he'd known that, Tenzou had told him at the hospital. Still, the realisation did nothing for his mood, anger rising, slamming his fist into the wall.

He let himself slink back into the darkness, weary feet taking him back home. Except it wasn't home, not really. Kakashi hadn't ever considered his apartment as anything more than just somewhere to sleep and eat between missions. But then lines blurred between friendship and lovers, and before he knew it Iruka had become home, Kakashi becoming a permanent fixture in his apartment.

Truth be told, Kakashi hadn't slept in his apartment for at least 7 months, not since Iruka had given Kakashi a key and said “now you can use the door like a normal person, Kakashi.”

He found himself staring at his apartment sooner than he'd wanted, the front door feeling like it was looming over him. When Kakashi first moved out of the Hatake Compound, he'd purposely found a small studio apartment and had never decorated. At the time it didn't seem like there was any point; the village came first, sending him out more than was probably healthy because he was nothing if not the perfect weapon for Konoha.

But over the last 18 months Kakashi had been dating Iruka, his apartment felt almost suffocating in its loneliness.

Kakashi unlocked his door, stepping into his pitch black apartment, a shiver running down his spine. Flicking the light switch on, he slumped against the door, it clicking shut with his weight against it.

The entire place smelt stale, every surface covered in a thick layer of dust from disuse, and so quiet, silent that it was almost deafening. It definitely wasn't where he wanted to be.

He let out a deep sigh, and reset his wards to keep everyone out. After the hospital stay, the last thing Kakashi wanted was one of his friends dropping by unannounced.

“Suppose I should shower and get to bed,” Kakashi mumbled to himself.

He didn't waste time pulling his clothes off, unceremoniously dumping them on the floor by the bathroom door for washing. The shower started up with a groan, old pipes rattling as water surged through them, hot water spraying out of the shower head in a rusty colour before running clear.

It felt good to just stand under the spray and let the hot water beat down on his skin, soothing weary muscles. If just for a moment, Kakashi could forget his troubles and that he was anywhere but with Iruka. Soap lathered over his body, washing away sweat and the smell of the hospital.

All of a sudden strange noises started coming from the water heater on the wall, a warning for Kakashi to step out from under the spray, it abruptly turning ice cold and stuttering to a stop.

It was just yet another thing to further sour Kakashi's mood, another reason as to why he didn't want to be there. Grumbling, he padded into the hallway, grabbing a clean towel from the cupboard and drying himself with incredible efficiency.

Exhaustion crept up out of nowhere, making Kakashi's limbs feel like limp noodles, the last dregs of strength slowly fading away. It had been a long time since he'd felt so drained, the last time had been back when he and Iruka had been young teens, about a year after the nine tails attack.

There was no point dwelling on memories he decided, tugging on a well worn pair of pajamas, faded with age.

Casting his gaze over his bed, Kakashi rolled his eyes at what he saw. The covers might as well have been grey for all the dust that had settled over them. _Disgusting._ He stripped the bed quickly, nose wrinkling in irritation from the dust in the air.

Just as quick as it had been stripped, a new set of bed covers adorned Kakashi's bed, ready for him to sink into. And he did just that, crawling under the covers, grateful for the extra woolen blanket to keep the night's chill away.

Kakashi wondered where Iruka was, if he was okay and keeping warm tonight. Of course he knew that Iruka was a competent ninja, enough that he should really be ranked tokubetsu jounin. But, that never stopped him from worrying whenever Iruka went on missions outside of the village, his protective streak yearning to keep him safe.

Fatigue started pulling at Kakashi's consciousness, weariness settling deep into his bones, and the last thought that crossed his mind as he fell asleep was how lonely he felt sleeping alone.

 

****

 

Sleep was not kind to Kakashi, nightmares plaguing him the way they usually did when he wasn't curled up with Iruka.

They were always the same, small, bloodied hands trying to wake his Father, a tanto embedded in his abdomen before the scene twisted and he was looking down on Obito, making a promise that he broke. Then Rin, his fist punched through her chest and her heart shuddering to a stop, pulsing against his skin.

“I… I'm sorry,” Kakashi cried out, tossing under the covers, his cries almost deafening in the quiet room.

For a moment his mind was quiet, the lull before the storm. Intense emotions flooded his mind; anguish and fear, loneliness, too. And it _hurt,_ almost as though his heart was breaking.  
  
The thoughts of his past splintered, falling away as he was thrust into another's vision. He saw himself slumped against a tree, his shallow breaths the only indication that he was still alive.

Fear gripped him, and then anger as the air rippled and furred paws gave way to human hands, cupping his face so tenderly, the feeling of love overwhelming.

From the fingers touching his face came spidery lines, golden and glowing as they spread across his skin, snaking down under his uniform and beneath his skin. It made him look as though he was beacon, glimmering in the night.

Then everything darkened, his luminescence growing faint, the vision fading away with a whisper of “I'm sorry Kakashi, this isn't how I wanted you to find out.”

Kakashi bolted upright, mouth open in a silent scream, his heart hammering wildly in his chest and hands trembling. Throwing back the bed covers, he dashed into the bathroom on unsteady legs, adrenaline furiously roiling through his veins.

With a shaky hand he turned on the tap at his sink, splashing cold water over his face and counting backwards from ten. Breathe in, breathe out, in through the nose and out through the mouth. _Calm down Kakashi, it was just a dream._

He sucked in another deep breath, both hands gripping the sink tightly, knuckles turned white.

His nerves were beyond frayed, the past few days a whirlwind of emotions and confusion over what he thought he'd seen.

Looking up Kakashi stared at his own reflection in the mirror. It wasn't his terrible appearance that had him frozen in place, panic written all over his face, but the single storm grey eye staring back at him. It was slitted like the wolf from his visions, and the realisation hit him like a tonne of bricks.

The wolf… _Iruka_ , was real.

 


	3. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: although this is NOT an ABO fic, nor does it include mpreg, there is a brief mention of it in passing within this chapter. It starts and ends with Iruka's first shower scene, so skip ahead if that is a squick for you.

* * *

Iruka was absolutely not running away from his problems. Nope, not at all. _Fuck, who am I kidding?_ Truth be told, he was more than just a little terrified about what he'd done, the repercussions of his actions and how Kakashi was going to react. Knowing him as well as he did, fully aware how much Kakashi hated secrets, Iruka wasn't entirely sure he was ready to face him. Some might call him a coward for running away but, he couldn't cope with the absolute fear gripping his heart. The fear of rejection from the person that he loves with every fiber of his being.

Iruka chanced one last look around his apartment, making sure he had closed up all of the windows and locked the door before heading to meet his mission partner at the village gates.

“Yo, Iruka.” Genma stood waiting patiently by the village entrance, hands in pockets, signature senbon rolling between his teeth.

“Hi, Genma. Shall we get going?” Iruka said, shuffling his feet in agitation, nerves setting in and desperate to just hurry and _get out_ of the village. He needed time to think things over in his head and to reconcile the emotions swarming his mind.

“Whatever you say, Sensei.”

They both checked out with the gate guards and set off at an easy pace, taking the dusty dirt path away from the village, enjoying the warm Autumn sun on their faces.

The mission was a B rank scroll delivery with a timescale of 2 weeks to complete. Usually, Iruka would do those types of missions solo but with the increase in missing nin being found within Fire Country, Genma had been assigned as extra reassurance.

Of course, Genma found it highly amusing, him knowing better than anyone exactly what Iruka was capable of.

In fact, Kakashi and Iruka had a massive argument after Genma had been on a few missions with Iruka. He'd drunkenly told Kakashi that Iruka was a better killer, silent, ruthless, absolutely no hesitation. Back then Kakashi's ego was ridiculous and he couldn't stand the idea that someone, especially a chunin - even if it was his best friend - was better than him, an ANBU.

Iruka and Genma took to the treetops after a short while, the trees ideal to help hide their presence. Their destination, Tanzaku Gai, wasn't too far away and Genma had estimated they could be there within four days if they travelled at a fast pace with no problems along the way.

They were making good time, having travelled for four days straight, only stopping for water breaks and overnight to make camp and sleep. If he had to guess, they were approximately three hours from reaching their destination and goodness knows was Iruka thankful for that.

“You're rather quiet, Sensei. What's on your mind?” Genma asked in an inquisitive tone, matching pace with Iruka as they leapt from branch to branch.

Iruka clenched his fists and levelled him with a glare, not in the mood for talking. “It's none of your business!” he spat, practically snarling.

Pushing off the branch with a harsh shove, Iruka took the lead once again, his pace fast, fury simmering beneath his skin, desperate to be unleashed.

The last thing Iruka wanted right now was to be thinking about his problems, let alone talking about them. Being distracted on a mission was dangerous, it put comrades in danger and he really didn't want to add the possibility of injury to his already guilty conscience. Yet, despite that, he had been incredibly rude to Genma, one of his closest friends.

Iruka sighed and dropped from the branches, head bowed forward in shame at his behaviour. He didn't need to see or hear Genma drop down in front of him to know that he was there. Sadness heavily tainted his scent, making Iruka feel a million times worse. _Now is not the time for self-pity._

“Gen, I'm really sorry-” Iruka began, kicking at the leaf litter on the forest floor, his nerves starting to overwhelm him. He sucked in a deep breath, lifting his head up to look directly at the face of his dear friend. - “You didn't deserve me snapping at you like that. I'm just… things aren't good right now and I wrongfully took it out on you. I truly am sorry.”

Shit, when had he started crying?

Fat, hot tears rolled down Iruka's cheeks. He felt so out of control, so lost, so alone. The thought of losing Kakashi haunted him. After what Iruka had done, Kakashi would _know._ His carefully guarded secret, kept close to his chest and never revealed because he was fucking terrified of rejection. And instead of sticking around, waiting for Kakashi to wake and telling him everything, he'd bolted with his tail between his legs like a coward, leaving his love to deal with the aftermath of his actions all alone.

Kakashi was going to furious. He was going to _hate_ him.

The silence was awkward, unsettling and it made Iruka feel off balance. It stretched on for what almost felt like an eternity, even though only a moment had passed between them. Before Iruka could start to panic about the lack of reply, he was pulled forward and enveloped in a gentle hug.

A sob wrenched itself free from his throat and he let go of the grief he'd been desperately trying to bottle up, clutching on to Genma as he trembled in tears.

“Oh, Iruka,” Genma whispered softly, his voice sympathetic. He tucked Iruka's head under his chin, hugging him tighter. Years of friendship and Iruka had _finally_ gotten it through his head that he preferred to be held during the times he needed comfort. “It isn't safe for us to be sat out here talking. Can we talk once we get into Tanzaku Gai and find an inn?”

Iruka simply nodded, not trusting himself to speak just yet as he struggled to compose himself, putting a lid on his emotions. It was like trying to shove a tsunami into a bottle and keep it contained. He had really fucked up, his emotional outburst having potentially put himself and his friend in danger. _Get it together Iruka. Now isn't the time for crying._

With a deep breath, Iruka pushed away all of his thoughts, clearing his mind, slowly taking deep breaths to quell the rising panic.

“Ready?” Genma asked, his gaze intense as he pulled away from the hug.

“Yeah, lets go,” Iruka replied, taking another deep breath before jumping back up into the trees.

 

****

 

They passed through the gates and into Tanzaku Gai on Thursday, around late afternoon. Iruka and Genma were both absolutely exhausted from the harsh pace they'd set whilst travelling, pushing themselves hard.

The town was busy, bustling and loud with people from all walks of life. It reminded Iruka of home and he had to swallow around the lump in his throat at the thoughts that entered his mind.

Genma must have sensed his sour mood as he clapped his hand on Iruka's shoulder, an understanding look crossing his face. “There's a nice place on the other side of town that does decent ramen. It's close to a cheap inn, too. C'mon, Sensei.”

The area Genma led him to was quiet, nothing at all like the buzzing part of town they'd just come from, but he preferred it. All of the sounds and smells had been overwhelming, so much so that it had started to make his head throb with pain.

“Here we are,” Genma said cheerfully as he strode up to a small shop, ducking underneath the canvas banners.

Iruka followed, plonking himself down on a stool next to his friend. After days of eating nothing but ration bars, the smell of freshly cooked food had him practically drooling and his stomach letting out the loudest grumbles. 

Genma snorted, amusement clear in his hazel eyes. “I've already ordered. So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?”

“It's… complicated,” Iruka sighed, scrubbing both hands down his face. Complicated was a massive understatement and there was just _so_ much that he couldn't tell him, no matter how desperately he wanted to. It wasn't that he didn't trust him, quite the opposite, in fact, Genma being one of his closest friends.

Genma fixed him with a serious look. “Iruka, whatever it is, you know you can trust me.”

“I know, Gen. It's just not easy to explain. But, I kept something from him and instead of talking to him, I've run away like a coward.” Iruka felt tears gathering in his eyes again, threatening to spill over. “What if he hates me?”

Kakashi and Iruka had been inseparable since early childhood, their parents having been close, the Umino family regularly spending time at the Hatake compound. Sakumo had known their secret and offered up the forest on his land as a safe place for spending time together in their yōkai form. A place where all three could truly relax and just be, without the fear of Konoha patrols spotting them.

Iruka had wanted to tell Kakashi but his parents had said no, that Kakashi was too young to know the truth. But then Sakumo committed suicide causing Kakashi to push Iruka away, acting as though he didn't exist. It hadn't been until years later, after the Kyuubi attack that Kakashi walked back into his life again. Iruka had been so happy that the last thing he'd wanted to do was scare him away by telling that he wasn't human.

“Iruka, I don't think Kakashi is capable of hating you. Sure, he'll probably be pissed that you kept something from him. But he definitely won't hate you. That man loves you to pieces,” Genma said, grinning as he twirled his senbon around in his mouth, the metal clicking against teeth.

Before Iruka could say anything else, a large steaming bowl of ramen was placed in front of him, filled to the brim with extra pork and noodles.

“Thanks, Gen.”

 

****

 

Iruka climbed the old, creaky, stairs of the inn, his legs heavy with exhaustion and followed Genma into their shared room, locking the door behind him.

Immediately, he kicked off his sandals, ignoring the thin layer of dirt covering his toes from their travels. He removed his flak vest and travel pack too, setting them against the wall with his sandals before making a beeline for the bed, flopping face first on to it.

“I could sleep for days,” Iruka mumbled, face down in a pillow. Physical exhaustion was one thing, but couple it with being mentally exhausted too and it made for a pretty awful combination.

“Or, you _could_ do your job,” Genma snarked, rolling his eyes.

“What-” Iruka started, bristling at the comment and the tone of his friend’s voice. - “You're right, sorry. Can we get showered first? I don't know about you but I feel disgusting.”

“I call first dibs,” Genma said as he disappeared into the bathroom with his travel pack.

Iruka yawned, burying his face into the pillow, the sound of the shower soothing. He was so tired, the weariness settling deep into his bones. He wondered what Kakashi was up to and if he was okay.

The bathroom door opened, curls of steam billowing into the room as Genma stepping out freshly showered and dressed in civvies.

“Looking good, Gen.”

“I always look good, Sensei.” Genma gave a dramatic twirl as though he were wearing a dress, and grinned over his shoulder, waggling his eyebrows.

A smile split Iruka's face, laughter spilling from his mouth at his friend’s ridiculous display. “Just give me a minute to shower and I'll be ready to go.” He went to stand up but Genma stopped him, placing his hand on his shoulder.

“Stay here, I'll go meet with our operative for the scroll exchange. I'll be back before midnight so get some rest. And that's an order.”

Due to the contents of the scrolls being exchanged, their mission required a two man-team when usually only one ninja was required. Iruka wasn't entirely comfortable with letting Genma go on his own, but he had to admit he was absolutely exhausted, his problems weighing heavy on his mind. Not to mention that he'd just pulled rank so it was beyond useless to argue.

He watched Genma leave and flopped back onto the bed, feeling stressed, worried and angry. Iruka had always prided himself on his honesty and always doing the right thing. People respected and loved him for his kind and supportive nature. And yet, after what he had done, he felt like the biggest fraud. What sort of a person would cause a life-changing event for another and then leave them to suffer through the unknown without support? 

_I really am a coward._

Iruka jerked upright, a growl practically ripping itself from his throat. The more he thought about what he'd done, the angrier he became. Human fingernails changed, becoming black and elongating into deadly claws, sharp enough that they punctured the side of the bed in their grasp. He snarled, puncturing his lip on his now too long canines, blood sluggishly dripping down his chin.

“Fuck,” Iruka grumbled, his tongue darting out to lick at his lip. Shoving off the bed, he headed into the bathroom for a much needed shower.

Stripping himself quickly, Iruka was careful not to tear the fabric with his claws before reaching up to tug out his hair tie, the long espresso coloured locks cascading across broad shoulders and down the middle of his back.

With a quick turn of the dial, the shower started up, steam quickly filling the small bathroom. Iruka stood naked under the spray of water, his palms flat against cool tiles. Water poured over his head and face, down his body, washing away all the grime and sweat from four days of travel.

As his anger receded, so did the claws and long canines. It had been a long time since Iruka had let his emotions rule him to the point where some of his yōkai form had slipped through. As a child, one of the first things his parents had taught him was how to control his power, and to never let emotion trigger a shift.

Water continued to pour down his face, the sensation oddly soothing. He blindly grabbed for the bar of soap, lathering up his body with bubbles as he stepped out from under the direct spray, making sure that all the grime was properly washed from his skin.

It felt good, the sensation of the slippery bar of soap being lathered all over, not unlike a gentle massage. Gentle jolts of pleasure flowed through him each time he passed the soap over sensitive areas and he couldn't help but remember intimate moments with Kakashi, the moments flashing in his mind clear as day.

Iruka shook his head, clearing the memories away. It wasn't the time to remember them, especially not now. Stepping back under the hot spray, the water quickly washed the soap from his body, the bubbles swirling down the drain. Blinking the water out of his eyes, he glanced down and huffed hard, the water droplets running down his face spraying forward.

_Are you serious?_

He was hard. And now, very irritated.

It wasn't just going to go away, he knew. But that didn't stop the feelings of irritation and frustration. Getting off wasn't anywhere on his radar, given the situation. Yet, here he was. And Iruka couldn't deny that during those moments of recalled memories, he had wanted to indulge a little, imagine that it was Kakashi on his knees, looking up at him with that smirk before taking Iruka in his mouth.

"Fuck it."

Iruka took himself in hand, a hiss escaping his lips as he did so. He started with slow, gentle strokes, his cock almost painfully hard. Memories of Kakashi flashed behind his eyes, beautiful and naked, and crying out to be filled. His fingers tightened at the memory, hips rolling forward as he chased his pleasure. Suddenly he was overcome with the desire to make Kakashi his, to _claim_ him.

This time Iruka purposely let a small part of his yōkai form slip through, his power crashing through his body like ocean waves, surging up in time with pleasure, heightening sensations, setting his nerves alight.

Sounds of wet flesh slapping together echoed in the bathroom as he stroked himself harder, feral snarls escaping through bared teeth each time his fist closed over his growing knot. Animalistic urges thrummed through his veins, pushing him closer to orgasm as he imagined Kakashi writhing beneath him, begging to be marked.

His rhythm became frenzied, driven by a ferocious, almost violent need to claim and knot his mate. To drive himself into Kakashi’s body again, and again, filling him up until his stomach was swollen, as though he were full of Iruka’s pups.

With no warning, his orgasm ripped itself from his body, the thought of Kakashi pregnant with his pups enough to send him over the edge. He gripped his knot tight, elongated canines sinking into the back of his other hand as he came hard, rivulets of blood dripping down and into the bottom of the shower, swirling together with his release before vanishing down the drain.

All of his energy seemed to drain away and Iruka all but collapsed in a heap in the bottom of the shower. His chest heaved as he gasped to catch his breath, head lolling back against the tiles with a soft ‘thunk’. For the first time in days, he felt relaxed, no longer wound so tight that he was afraid of snapping. And yet, despite that, Iruka also felt cross with himself for giving in to his carnal needs, masturbating to fantasies of Kakashi, of someone he had left alone to work through something life-changing.

He got up and turned the shower off, towelling himself dry before walking back out into the bedroom and getting into an old pair of sweatpants and tee that he wore as pajamas on missions. His mind drifted to Genma, and he wondered if he was okay. No doubt he was in some bar, flirting with various men and women, trying to get laid before meeting their undercover operative for the scroll exchange.

The evening was closing in and Iruka sat himself down on the wide window ledge, swinging his feet up to get comfortable. The inn was on the outskirts of town, in a rough area, but he couldn't care less. Not when, from his window, he could take in the beautiful sight before him; the forest trees alive with vibrant yellows, oranges, and reds, the sunset making it look as though it were aflame.

Deep within, Iruka could feel his inner wolf stir, longing to be free of his human skin and at one with the forest. He took in a deep breath, stretching his senses, twisting and turning through trees and brush, mind melding with various creatures, searching.

_There you are._

Iruka closed his eyes, breathing out as he slipped his mind into a beautiful timber wolf, their life forces melding and souls twining together within a shared body. When he opened his eyes again, it was to a view of tall oak trees mixed in with beech, exposed tree roots covered in thick, green moss and dense foliage of the undergrowth.

He lifted his nose to breathe in the scent of the forest; the smell of damp earth underfoot, and crisp autumn leaves that had fallen, slowly decaying to return to the earth. The snap of a twig pulled him out of his thoughts, but he wasn’t alarmed. It was his pack up ahead, their curious gaze settling upon him before turning tail and running.

There was no need to hold back anymore and gave himself over to his inner wolf, and just _ran_.

****

 

Iruka must have been running through the forest for hours before something tugged at the edge of his mind, prompting him to return to his body. Just as he opened his eyes, Genma locked the door to their room, a grin plastered on his face that Iruka knew meant he had gotten laid.

“Kami, that guy was hot and knew how to use his -”

Before Genma could finish his sentence, Iruka cut him off with a wave of his hand. “I absolutely do not need the gory details, Gen. Not to mention you were supposed to have been meeting up with our undercover operative to swap scrolls, not scouting out someone for a fuck.”

“Oh, we swapped a lot more than just scrolls,” Genma said with a teasing tone.

Iruka sighed, sliding off of the window sill to sit on their shared bed. “You got it done, at least?”

“Big time,” Genma leered, before dropping his voice. “Multiple times.”

“I really don’t want to hear it,” Iruka grumbled, pinching his nose. “Mission accomplished, so we can head home tomorrow.”

Iruka slipped under the bed covers, ready to get a good sleep for the long trek home back to Konoha. He heard the rustling of clothing being changed, then felt the tug of the bed covers as Genma settled into bed, wrapping his arms around Iruka’s waist and pulling him back against his chest.

Few people understood their platonic relationship, often assuming they were together romantically and sexually, and that their behaviour was inappropriate. Iruka didn’t care what others thought, and those who truly mattered in his life understood and accepted his relationship with Genma. They both loved each other fiercely and if others had a problem with it, they weren’t worth knowing.

“It’ll be okay y’know,” Genma whispered, his breath tickling the back of Iruka’s neck.

Iruka placed his hand over Genma’s, giving it a squeeze. “I hope so, Gen. I don’t know what I’ll do if lose him.”

It didn’t take long for Iruka to fall asleep, the warm body holding him tight and soft sounds of breathing making him feel safe.

In his dreams, Iruka was four again, chasing Kakashi through forests on the Hatake land, desperately trying to catch him. No matter how much he called out and ran, Kakashi continued to evade him.

Unconsciously, Iruka reached out with the thread that now bound them together, his mind connecting with Kakashi’s.

Small legs ran as fast as they could, and then, Kakashi was gone, the scenery rippling like waves before revealing Kakashi slumped against a tree, slowly bleeding out, his breathing so shallow that he barely looked alive.

The sight of Kakashi before him looking so broken, fragile, barely clinging to life enraged him. Monstrous power roiled through his veins, staring down the ninjas responsible for hurting his mate, blind fury taking over as he tore them limb from limb, the metallic taste of blood satisfying.

And then, he was gently easing his power into Kakashi's body, bestowing the gift of life with each gleaming golden line that spread across Kakashi's face like veins and sank beneath his skin to become part of his very being.

“I'm sorry Kakashi, this isn't how I wanted you to find out.”

Iruka woke with a start, a strangled cry caught in his throat as he became aware of a solid weight across his hips and someone calling his name, the sound cutting through the haziness of his sleep addled state.

Reflexively his hands came up to grab and shove off whatever was on top of him, but then the voice finally registered and his eyes shot open to find Genma staring at him with poorly concealed shock.

“Iruka… Ru,” Genma called softly. “Hey, c'mon you're okay. It's just me.”

Blinking away the sleep from his eyes, Iruka let go of his tight grip on Genma's forearms, turning his head to the side in a bid to avoid the look of worry on his friend's face.

“I'm sorry for holding you down but I couldn't wake you and you were thrashing around,” Genma said in a hushed voice, sliding from his friend’s lap to lean up against the headboard.

The memory of his nightmare had Iruka trembling with quiet sobs, hot tears spilling onto his pillow, reliving the reality of having almost lost Kakashi shaking him to his core. If he'd been just a few minutes later the poison would have done its job and he would have a new grave to visit.

“C’mere, let me do your hair,” Genma beckoned, patting at the space between his legs, pulling Iruka close, deft fingers gently scratching at his scalp. “He’s okay, Ru. I checked on him before meeting up with you and he was sleeping soundly. Tsunade told me he would be fine after some much needed rest.”

Iruka felt himself relaxing as slender fingers worked his long hair into a side french braid, the feeling of his hair being played with blissful. His entire body felt fuzzy, Genma’s voice slowly starting to fade away and the last thing he felt as his eyes slipped shut was the tender press of lips against his forehead.

 

****

 

Morning came around fast and when Iruka woke, it was quiet and still dark outside, the autumn sun having not yet risen. Autumn was his favourite season and he thoroughly enjoyed seeing the way the landscape changed; lush greenery giving way to vibrant oranges and reds before falling, their death enriching the earth for new growth in spring and the life cycle starting again.

He had fond memories from when he was still a pup, cozy nights in front of the fireplace, enjoying the heat from dancing flames and huddling under thick blankets with his pack. And although he had lost his parents at a young age, Iruka had never been alone, having found family in Kakashi and Genma, then years later with Naruto too. To others, their dynamic must look bizarre but they were family, a pack and they were _his._

After getting dressed and enjoying a filling breakfast, Iruka and Genma were back out on the road and heading home.

The first three days of travelling back home to Konoha were fast paced, filled a welcomed silence whilst on the move, and easy conversations around the campfire at night. It was almost enough for Iruka to forget his worries about what and _who_ he needed to face when he got home, if only for a while.

It was on the fourth day when they were half a day from home when things went belly up.

Something prickled Iruka’s senses, a feeling that just screamed danger, setting off all his instincts to hunt and eliminate the threat. And yet again, he found himself barely keeping things together, almost letting his yōkai form slip through. Iruka came to a halt on a tree branch, holding his hand up to signal for Genma to stop beside him and keep quiet.

Closing his eyes, he stretched his senses wide through the forest, creeping along like an invisible fog, allowing Iruka to sense every living thing it touched. _There_ . Unwelcome guests. He hadn’t been mistaken. Those were most certainly not leaf nin and he had to hold back a snarl because how dare they trespass in _his_ territory.

“Three enemy ninja up ahead,” Iruka whispered, fists clenched at his sides.

“Well, let’s go say hello. After you.” Genma smirked, motioning with his hands for Iruka to lead the way.

Iruka moved swiftly through the trees, Genma close behind as they zoned in on their targets, their movements silent and deadly. It didn’t take them long to locate the enemy ninja, them being no match for Iruka’s abilities. They could suppress their chakra to almost nothing, believe they were undetectable but, none of that mattered, not when Iruka could see and feel them through his connection to the forest.

Dropping to the forest floor, Iruka let go of his grip on his chakra, allowing himself to be sensed by the enemy, wanting them to find him. It didn’t take long before the three trespassers entered the clearing, not even bothering to hide their approach, too smug and cocky.

It was easy to see who the leader was, his frame tall and well built, lips curled up in a satisfied smile as he mouthed orders at the two shorter men either side of him. All of them wore an Ame headband, and they were indeed a long way from home. Iruka wondered what they were doing in Fire Country, so close to Konoha. Surely it couldn’t be anything good.

“Ah, so you’re Hatake’s bitch from the bingo book,” the leader laughed, pulling a kunai from his holster, pointing it at Iruka. “A weak chunin teacher. I’m going to have fun making you scream like the little bitch you are.”

Iruka unsheathed the katana from his back, stance ready and focussed as Genma snorted, the sound drawing attention to him, when before he’d gone unnoticed.

The leader spoke again, looking past Iruka at the shadowy figure leaning against a tree “Aren’t you gonna help your friend?”

“Nah, he can handle you useless fucks by himself. I’ll just enjoy the show,” Genma replied confidently, flicking the senbon from one side of his mouth to the other, the metal clinking against teeth.

The leader sneered, one of his subordinates advancing forward with a kunai in each hand, and the other following behind, running through hand signs for a jutsu.

Iruka moved in a blur of motion, sidestepping the attack aimed at his chest, bringing his katana up in an arc across his enemies neck. The head hadn’t even fallen from the body before Iruka was leaping away, watching in disgust as it was swallowed by raging waves, a water vortex jutsu ripping apart everything in its path.

What utter scum, Iruka thought. Going through his comrade before the body had even fallen, just to try and catch him unaware. Around him the forest had been torn apart, branches strewn around and smaller trees upended.

He refused to give his enemy another chance to unleash that jutsu, launching himself back into the clearing. His attacks were blocked with kunai, and they entered into a sort of dance of block, attack, block, attack. Iruka intentionally let the other think he was winning, wearing him down. But, cocky people make mistakes and Iruka exploited that fact as he thrust his blade into the enemies stomach, gutting him like a fish and watching on as his intestines spilled out.

Two down, one to go.

Iruka stepped around the dead ninja, shaking the blood free from his blade, it hitting the ground with soft splats.

“I’m surprised he hasn’t stuck you in the ground yet like he did with his beloved childhood friends. What was it they call him, friend killer Kakashi?”

“I think you need to shut your mouth, pal. Before this senbon finds itself someplace interesting.” Genma slunk forward from the shadows, eyes narrowed.

The Ame ninja laughed, face twisted in a cruel smile, digging in the proverbial knife to provoke a reaction. “Oh look, Kakashi’s bitch is angry. How precious.”

Killing intent flooded the area, anger written across Iruka’s face, body shaking with an overwhelming urge to tear through flesh. His skin felt too tight, as though it were holding back something much larger, something dangerous, something _wild_.

He thrust his blade into the ground and, with all the grace of a wolf, Iruka stalked forward, breaking into a run as he charged at the enemy ninja.

Iruka was all fluid and grace, ducking and diving around punches and kicks, blocking when they almost connected and lashing out when he had an opening. He was unforgiving in his assault, letting his fury take over, lashing out again and again and again.

His enemy roared in anger, and for a moment, Iruka let his concentration slip, paying for it dearly as a kunai sliced deep across his bicep. He’d been so shocked at the strike that he left himself wide open and a large fist connected with his chest, the force sending him flying into the trunk of a tree, knocking the air from his lungs.

“Ugh,” Iruka gasped, blood trickling down the side of his face from the impact.

If Iruka was angry before, he was beyond furious now. _Time to stop playing around and end this_.

Pushing himself to his feet, Iruka didn’t bother looking up at the Ame ninja striding towards him. Instead, he called forward his power, sighing softly as it flooded his body, wild energy thrumming through his veins. Fingernails turned black, elongating into sharp claws as he allowed his wolf yōkai form to start slipping through.

His enemies feet appeared in his vision, scuffing the soil and kicking up dust. “Any last words before I kill you and your friend-”

Iruka’s arm darted forward, hand wrapping tightly around the Ame ninjas throat before he could finish his gloating. Lifting his head up, Iruka finally made eye contact, his slitted eyes flickering between brown and gold, struggling to keep back a full transformation.

The acrid smell of urine and fear permeated the air, his enemy dropping the kunai, frantically scrabbling at his throat, trying to break Iruka’s hold.

_This has gone on long enough._

Without any hesitation Iruka thrust his other hand forward, sharp claws piercing the ninja's chest like butter. His fist closed around the heart and squeezed with such force it exploded in a bloody mess, immediately snuffing out his enemy's life.

“Ruthless as ever, I see,” Genma teased, coming to stand next to his friend.

Iruka pulled his bloody hand out as the lifeless body slumped to the floor, blood dripping from his fingers before wiping his hand on his pant leg. “Let’s just go home, Gen.”

 

****

 

Passing through the village gates, Iruka headed home, leaving Genma to speak to the guards about the Ame ninja and alerting ANBU to organize a cleanup crew. He was thankful that he didn’t need to hang around for that, his body exhausted and jittery from the fight and adrenaline that had been coursing through his system.

Iruka walked through the village in a daze, his body on autopilot, leading him straight to his apartment. He let himself in, closing the door behind him, almost collapsing in a heap on the floor. Behind closed doors, Iruka could just let it all go and he found himself shaking, salty tears rolling down his face. The events of the past week had worn him down and all he wanted right now was a hot shower and to sleep for a week.

“Ugh, gross,” Iruka grumbled to himself, removing his katana, stripping out of blood spattered uniform, setting it aside to go straight in the washing machine once he’d showered.

The water was hot, cascading over his tired body, soap washing away the dried blood and dirt from tanned skin and long, dark hair. The fight replayed over in Iruka’s mind before turning to thoughts of Kakashi. There was no way that Iruka could keep running away from things. Like it or not, he had to talk to Kakashi and more than anything, he owed him the truth after years of hiding who, of _what_ he really was.

Shutting the shower off, Iruka grabbed a towel, drying himself quickly. Talking to Kakashi could wait until tomorrow, he decided. Time was needed to think things over, to gather and rearrange his thoughts because Kakashi deserved honesty and everything he had to give.

But, right now he was home, safe in his warded and locked apartment, away from prying eyes. It was okay to let go, slipping into his preferred form, a blend between yōkai and human. Glowing gold tendrils snaked around his body, revealing tall, brown, wolf ears, slitted eyes, and a furred tail, foliage and vines entangled around it.

Discarding his towel in the bathroom, Iruka stepped out naked into his hallway, heart almost stopping at the sight in front before him.

Stood in his hallway was Kakashi, door key in hand, mask in place and face unreadable.

“Hello, Iruka.”


	4. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka deals with the fall out of his actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken months to get out. A touch of writers block and health issues got in the way. Thank you for your patience.
> 
> Also, thank you to Ary and T for your unwavering support in everything ♡

Iruka felt as though his heart had just stopped, the icy grip of fear clutching it tight. After a week filled with worry and dread, Kakashi was here.

"K- Kakashi," he stammered, uncaring of his own nudity as he stepped forward to take Kakashi's hand. 

"Don't." Kakashi recoiled as if burnt by a simple touch, taking a step back to put some distance between them. _"Please… don't touch me_."

It was the _please_ that hit him. To anyone who didn't know the jounin, it was a command. Iruka knew better, could see through the spoken words and what was underneath. The man before him might look unbothered but the faint tremble in his body spoke volumes; he was hurting.

Iruka could barely remember to breathe, his body reflexively forcing him to suck in a lungful of air as he stood rooted to the floor, unable to do more than look at hurt on Kakashi's face. He'd done that, he was the cause of the utter anguish he could _feel_ through their bond.

“I never wanted you to find out like this,” he whispered, his voice wavering with each word spoken. This was it. The conversation he’d been dreading for longer than he cared to remember, and he braced himself for an argument that never came.

Instead, there was only silence.

He knew Kakashi had heard him and yet - nothing. His figure continued to loom in the hallway, staring, silently judging.

Without thinking, Iruka buried his trembling fingers into his tail, petting his fur, stroking repetitively to self soothe frayed nerves. Why wasn’t Kakashi saying anything? Tall brown ears twitched and then flattened against his head, and Iruka looked every bit the scolded puppy.

“You should have left me there.” 

“Kashi, you were _dying_. I couldn’t just watch-” A choked sob fell from Iruka’s lips as flashes of that night danced in his mind. -”watch you die.”

“That’s just it, isn’t it? I should have died and now -”

With his voice barely audible, Iruka whispered “I saved you.”

The silence in the apartment was almost unbearable, the atmosphere so unsettling that it made Iruka want to hear Kakashi shout or scream at him. Anything but this silence. Time almost seemed to slow down, dragging on for what felt like an eternity before he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Please, say something,” he whispered, his voice trembling. “Anything.”

“Do you know how long it took me to love myself after what I did back in my teens?” The words were spoken quietly, barely audible despite the silence.

“That wasn’t your fault.” Iruka remembered how much his love had suffered after the loss of Obito, Rin, and his sensei. For the longest time ever, Kakashi had blamed and hated himself, believing he didn’t deserve to love or be loved in return. Those thoughts had turned dark, eating away at him until one day he thought the world was better off without him and tried taking his life. 

“And now look at me,” Kakashi demanded, taking a step forward out of the shadows, into the soft light from the bathroom illuminating part of the hallway. A single yellow slitted eye stared accusingly at Iruka, anger having pulled the yōkai power that now coursed through his blood to the surface. 

Fear, hurt, and anger were all clearly visible in his harsh gaze and Iruka opened his mouth to speak, only to be cut off.

“You turned me into this… this _thing_.” Clawed fingers clenched into fists as he spat out the words, disgust lacing his voice. “But that isn’t all, is it? I trusted you with all of me, all of my deepest and darkest secrets, all of who I am. And yet you kept yours from me and then left me to deal with the aftermath, all alone.” Kakashi’s voice became small, breaking as he choked out, “Do you have any idea how much I needed you?”

Conflicting emotions warred inside Iruka, empathy and sadness, knowing how much his partner was hurting, but also betrayal that left a deep ache in his chest to think that Kakashi thought he was lesser than human, just some repulsive monster. This was one of the reasons why he’d never told a single soul about what he was, the fear of rejection always clawing its way up his throat every time he spared a thought to think about what he was hiding. 

He thought that maybe, maybe Kakashi would be different. That he would accept Iruka for who he was, the same way Sakumo had for his parents when he’d offered the Hatake land as a safe place for the Umino family to be, wandering the forests in their wolf skin. 

The weight of Kakashi’s stare was almost unbearable, and Iruka reached forward again, this time clasping Kakashi’s clawed hand between his own as he confessed, “I won't say sorry for saving your life. I'd rather you hate me than there be a world without you in it.”

For a moment, time seemed to stand still, and a slither of hope wormed its way into Iruka’s heart, his furred ears pricking up tentatively when he felt the connection of their bond tug into place, both battering the other with unguarded thoughts and feelings. But no sooner than it started, the connection was abruptly broken, Kakashi all but snarling as he yanked his hands away.

“You're a monster... we’re done.” And just like that, Kakashi vanished in a swirl of smoke, a few leaves dancing in the air before sadly fluttering to the hallway floor.

All of a sudden, the apartment felt devoid of air, Iruka’s legs strangely weak, wobbling before sliding down the door frame and onto his knees. Panic flooded his body, leaving him frantically clutching at his chest, gasping like a fish out of water. He couldn’t breathe. Kakashi was gone. He was _gone_.

And just like that, all of the fear, the anguish, the guilt he’d held onto all of those years came pouring out like a tidal wave, unforgiving in its wrath. Iruka screamed and cried himself hoarse, letting his grief wash over him until he had no tears left to cry, and fell asleep, clutching at his tail for comfort, still naked, on his hallway floor.

 

****

 

The alarm next to Iruka's bed went off, pulling him from his sleep before he turned it off without even bothering to look at the time. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore and he had gone past the point of caring. 

Not now. Not now that he was alone again.

_Fuck, I miss him so much._

He knew that really he should get up and face the day but Kakashi's belongings were littered throughout his apartment and he didn't feel like he had the strength mentally or physically. Getting up meant being faced with with an empty apartment, and that would've been nothing but a painful reminder. Even brushing his teeth was too much to think about, let alone showering. He hadn't even changed into clothes, still as nude as the night Kakashi walked out. But he couldn't find it in himself to care.

Kakashi wasn't here, disgusted by Iruka and his power, and there was no one around to gently prod him into taking care of himself. 

Shaking his head, Iruka tried to rid himself of the thoughts buzzing around inside his mind. 

No. Not now. 

If he cried again now, let the proverbial dam break, he fears that he'd never be able to pull himself together again. 

Iruka wasn’t sure how many days had passed since Kakashi left, declaring they were over. At least 2 days had come and gone, the memory of watching the skies darken from his bed fresh in his mind. Mentally tallying off the days, he realised it was Thursday, meaning his full time shifts at the mission desk started the following day, continuing for the next few weeks due to the academy being on a break.

A loud growl sounded, and with it came the realisation that he hadn’t eaten in days. Whenever things were unsettled emotionally, Iruka had never been able to stomach food. In a roundabout way he was thankful, having spent the previous day sprawled out on the cold bathroom floor, heaving up bile into the toilet. Still, he needed to eat something before heading out rather than risk collapsing out in public. 

Without much thought, Iruka grabbed some toast and got himself ready for the day, almost mindless in his actions, as though he were on autopilot. People called out and waved to him as he traipsed through the village, but he didn’t hear them, his mind elsewhere. Dusty streets gave way to farmland, and then he was walking past the Hatake compound and into the forest, pushing further in until he came to rest, crouched in a sun-dappled clearing.

This had been one of his favourite places to come as a child. It was filled with fond memories of slipping into his wolf skin and huddling up with his parents, or listening to the stories of his ancestors. The small shrine - all but overtaken by the large oak tree - had long since been forgotten by the humans, along with their knowledge and past relationship with the wolf yōkai. They had been the protectors of a village, back when the clans had been smaller and not at war, way before the Shodaime had even dreamed up the idea of creating Konohagakure, before becoming nothing but forgotten tales and feared beasts.

“Mum, Dad… I wish you were here,” Iruka rasped, his voice full of poorly hidden emotion. “I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do. I wanted to tell him but I was so afraid. I’ve seen the way people treat Naruto, a human child, just because his body houses the Kyuubi. And they hate him for something he isn’t. Imagine what they would think of me, someone who wears the face of a human but is actually some terrible beast from their old tales.”

His laugh was bitter, eyes becoming slitted and flickering gold, the swell of emotion allowing his lupine features to bleed through.

“Kakashi thinks I’m a monster,” he announced suddenly, blood sluggishly dripping from clenched fists and onto the forest floor, the red spatters stark against the green of moss and grass. “I was so scared when I saw him there, bleeding out and dying. In that moment, it didn’t seem to matter about what, who I am. I knew what would happen by sharing my power and life force, and I still left him to deal with it alone. I deserve his hatred.”

He rocked backwards on his heels, sitting hard on the grass as he worried his lip in contemplation, long, sharp canines puncturing the delicate skin. Time itself fell away and before he knew it, the shrine in front of him was shrouded in darkness.

When was the last time he’d dissociated so badly? Spending the entire day unmoving and unseeing. Without Kakashi, Iruka was like a boat adrift at sea without an anchor, shouldering the raging waves alone.

 

****

 

Iruka threw himself into his work at the mission desk, desperate to keep his mind busy. His carefully curated mask was back in place, fooling everyone with his happy sensei facade. No one needed to know about the shit show that is his life, and he planned to keep it that way.

Reaching across the desk, Genma placed his hand over Iruka’s and placing his hand, stilling the action. “Ru, you’ve been stamping the same mission report for the last few minutes.” 

“Hmmm, what?”

The chair next to him screeched loudly as it slid across the floor, coming to sit close to his side. “Is this about what we discussed on the mission?”

Emotions that had been tightly bottled up started to escape, tears gathering in his eyes. The distress had his yōkai powers surging up, simmering just below the surface and it took everything in him not to let either spill over.

_One, two, three, inhale. Four, five, six, exhale._

“I won’t push. Just know that I’m here for you, whenever. Okay?”

“Thanks, Gen,” Iruka said softly, squeezing his best friend’s hand.

The day wore on, people coming and going in fits and spurts. One moment the room would be almost empty, save for genin teams picking up D rank missions, and then the next, bustling full of shinobi returning from the field. He had a smile for them all, thanking them for their hard work and dedication to the village.

By the end of the day, Iruka was beyond exhausted. He barely remembered walking home, let alone stopping on the way to scarf down a bowl of ramen at Ichiraku. But, that was better than the alternative, he thought, slipping into bed and falling asleep the moment his head touched the pillow.

The next couple of days were like that, seemingly all blurring together, functioning on autopilot like a mindless zombie. It wasn’t a healthy way to cope and Iruka found himself dissociating a lot more. Genma was having to bring him in lunch, prompting him to eat and drink during their full day shifts together when it became obvious that he wasn’t eating, evident by the way his body trembled, and the dizzy spells. _“You need to take care of yourself,”_ Genma would scold, but Iruka was sure that monsters didn’t deserve kindness, or 

“What day is it, Gen?”

“Monday. Just another 4 more days and then we have the whole weekend off. And I don’t care what you say, I’m taking you to the hot springs. You look awful.”

“I’m fine,” Iruka insisted, handing a D rank mission for weeding to a jounin sensei and her genin, smiling and telling the kids to do their best.

He wasn’t fine but maybe, just maybe if he kept repeating the mantra over and over, he’d fool himself into believing it. 

Yet another day had flown by, the nights drawing in, getting darker earlier in the evening. Outside the window, street lamps flickered on and both Iruka and Genma sighed in relief. It was almost time to go home, only 30 minutes to go and then he could just get straight into bed and hope that another dream of Kakashi doesn’t plague him.

The door to the mission room swung open, gusts of cold air blowing in fallen leaves from outside, chilling the room. Whoever had opened the door was still standing outside, clearly in no rush to come in.

Iruka was just about to yell when Kakashi suddenly strode in, holding himself tall, the trademark lazy slouch gone and poorly restrained anger lashing out. His uniform absolutely filthy, covered in dirt and so much blood that, for a moment, Iruka was worried it was Kakashi’s.

There wasn’t really a moment to contemplate that thought because Kakashi was in front of him, slapping his mission report down on the desk, completely spotless despite everything.

“K-Kakashi, are you okay?” The words just came out without thought, Iruka’s mouth hanging open in shock because after a week of blurred days and nightmares, Kakashi was stood before him. For a moment he wasn’t sure that what he was seeing was real, that his mental state was crumbling, his mind conjuring up hallucinations. 

“I think you’ll find my report to your satisfaction. Is that all, Umino-san?” he asked, tone bored before waiting a beat and walking away, never once stopping to look back as he left.

Iruka tried everything in his power not to fall apart right there, but in the end it was useless as he choked back a cry, tears falling freely. Warm arms encircled his shaking frame, tucking his head under Genma's chin as he whispered soft reassurances.

"He - he _hates_ me. He called me a monster." Loud sobs filled the room, and Iruka couldn't be more thankful that it was late, that no one else beside his best friend was witness to seeing him break down so spectacularly.

"Iruka, he's angry. Even I can see that. I don't know what's happened between you but truly, I don't believe he hates you and you are definitely _not_ a monster."

"If you knew what I-"

"What you are?" Genma finished for him. "Iruka, I've always known that you were different."

For a moment Iruka was unmoving, shocked by the confession. But then fear kicked in and he tried pulling himself free from the hug.

"Will you stop that? I'm trying to tell you that I don't care. You're my best friend, and nothing will change that."

Iruka couldn't help but feel bewildered, shock written all over his face when he pulled back to look at his friend. He thought that he'd always been so careful not to be seen, always making sure that he was aware of what could or couldn't be seen when calling his power to the surface.

 _Fuck. Genma knows. He knows and, and_ …

In his panic, Iruka pushed Genma away a bit too hard, the power humming close to the surface of his skin enhancing the action, sending him flying into the wall. He could only watch in horror as the wall cracked, and he was sure he heard a few bones breaking.

Genma slumped back against the wall, clutching his ribs, groaning, calling out for Iruka to come back. But he was already gone, fear fuelling his mad dash through and out of the village, never stopping to look back

In the dark, trees whizzed by, becoming a blur. He kept going, loping through the forest, between tall trees, over fallen branches and through the undergrowth. His body led him onwards, into a small clearing and it wasn't until the undeniable scent of death hit his nose that he realised exactly where he was.

Scarlet still painted the ground, faded but undeniably there. Without thought, he followed the trail, lupine eyes keen and gaze stopping at the bloody handprint smeared down the tree trunk. 

This was where Kakashi had sat, poisoned and bleeding. 

 _Dying_.

Images assaulted his mind, flashbacks to the last time he'd worn his yōkai skin. Kakashi had barely been clinging to life and those ninja, more of a monster than he himself was, had been laughing and joking, threatening his mate. 

Iruka could still remember the sheer panic and terror seeing the enemy readying for the killing blow.

Everything had happened so fast. One minute he'd been human, then unrecognizable in fur and foliage, furious and lethal as he tore into flesh, blood in his mouth, sliding down his throat. 

He'd saved Kakashi, sharing both his power and life force, knowing the consequences and doing it anyway. Life without him didn't bear thinking about. 

Anger bubbled up at the memory, and he started stripping, pulling his clothes off until he stood naked. His skin felt too tight, as though it might split open, his power that always simmered just below the surface rising up with his emotions.

The air started to shimmer brightly around him as bones shifted, human skin giving way to fur and foliage, seamlessly changing from man to wolf. 

Slowly, the bright light faded, revealing Iruka standing tall on four legs, his antlers glowing a faint gold in the moonlight, glorious in his wolf yōkai form.

A bitterly cold gust of wind whipped through the trees, ruffling chestnut fur. Beneath paws and hooves, he could feel the earth thrumming with life. A tendril from one of the forest plants reached out, sentient, brushing against hoof of his back leg as if to comfort him.

Even the forest knew he was hurting. 

For so long he'd wanted to tell Kakashi his secret, to share such an important part of his life and finally be free of the lifelong burden that constantly weighed on his mind.

But now… now he was utterly alone with nothing but a shattered heart.

He loosed a howl, loud, full of despair, pain and sorrow, then turned tail and ran, disappearing into the night.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amazing artwork commissioned for this fic, created by the lovely and wonderful [I-Drive-A-Nii-San](https://i-drive-a-nii-san.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr and you can also find them [here on AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OftheValkyrie/pseuds/OftheValkyrie/) ♡
> 
> What do you think about their situation, and who do you think is in the wrong - Kakashi or Iruka? Let me know in the comments below ♡

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading ♡ I appreciate _every_ single kudos and comment whether they are long or short. Getting them makes my day, and I love chatting/getting to know you wonderful people.
> 
> Please come join our [Iruka Discord Server](https://discord.gg/E9yYwS3)
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://magnustesla.tumblr.com/) (Send me asks with your Kakairu prompts/requests! Or drop me a message if you fancy a chat)
> 
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